


Trust and Independence

by NoaMilk



Category: Dragon Quest Series, Dragon Quest XI
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Dragon Quest XI Act II Spoilers, Dragon Quest XI Act III Spoilers, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Guilt, Hero | Luminary is Named Eleven | El (Dragon Quest XI), Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Selectively Mute Hero | Luminary (Dragon Quest XI), but theyre mentioned, no beta we die like men, she/her pronouns for Sylvia, sorry there are so many tags theyre just a big family and theres nothing i can do about that, there are some fights. i wont go into the descriptions of the injuries
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-01
Updated: 2021-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-12 05:20:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 21,268
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29130192
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NoaMilk/pseuds/NoaMilk
Summary: El wakes up to a bright sky and cold mountain air.He holds the heavy, dark sword in his hand and grips it tight. The scar where Mordegon stuck his hand into hurts like it does when it rains, though it certainly isn’t wet.
Relationships: Camus | Erik & Hero | Luminary, Camus | Erik/Hero | Luminary (Dragon Quest XI), Hero | Luminary & Sena | Serena, Hero | Luminary & Veronica (Dragon Quest XI), Hero | Luminary (Dragon Quest XI) & Everyone
Comments: 16
Kudos: 49





	1. Again

El wakes up to a bright sky and cold mountain air. 

Despite the green of the grass he’s laying on and the generally peaceful atmosphere, he can feel the malevolence of the Sword of Shadows emanating from behind him.

Its presence hits him with the realization that, yes, the time sphere had worked, with him feeling just as tired as he was before he was transported to this time, and suddenly the weight of everything threatens to crash down on him. 

He’s taken the chance to fix everything, and he isn’t going to ruin it. It feels like the only way to atone for his failures. The only way to atone for leaving his friends behind. 

With the corrupted sword of light in hand and the heavy weight of this world’s future (and now past,) he makes his way to Arboria. 

His companions had assured him that there was no need to say goodbye, because they’d be meeting again soon enough. He’ll see them again, very soon, including the one person he thought he’d never be able to meet anymore, and there won’t be any need for tears this time. There won’t be any more eating of fish bait, or crying in the boats of depressed fishermen, or familiar red staves stuck into a grave. 

He isn’t going to let them get separated, this time.

When El walks into Arboria’s cathedral, the first sound he hears is a voice he hasn’t heard in months; one that he’s missed and never thought would be hearing again. 

Veronica recites her prayer, and as she does, El can’t help but wonder if she had recited the same words-- made the same promise-- back then. 

And she kept it. Veronica kept that promise, even if it cost her the life Yggdrasil so kindly gave to her.

If it was Serenica’s blessing that had saved the six of them when the tree fell, then El has his thanks to give. 

He only wishes that the blessings were enough to save all seven of them, back then. 

Maybe it was his fault. Maybe he wasn’t strong enough to make those words come true at the time— after all, miracles only happen when you make them happen— but it’s different now. He had let her down back then; let everyone down, but now he’s stronger, and has a new, atrocious, evil sword strapped across his back, and he isn’t going to let Mordegon take his friends from him a second time. He’ll shatter the time sphere at the risk of his own life as many times as he has to.

“How long have you been there?!” Veronica exclaims, and it’s been so long since that voice was directed at him, he almost breaks down in tears. 

He can’t let her die this time. He isn’t going to let the fall happen at all. 

Veronica comments on his apparent disappearance during Father Benedictus’ speech, but he doesn’t bother to answer her questions. He looks at her like she’s saying something he doesn’t understand, when really, he does; he understands more than anyone ever could, or will, in this time. 

And he doesn’t _want_ them to understand. He doesn’t want to burden them with memories of the fall a second time.

The heavy doors of the cathedral push open, and when he turns around he’s greeted by the faces of his friends; only cheerier, months younger, and unburdened by the fall of the world and the loss of the little girl in front of him. The space beside Sylvia seems incredibly empty, and he can’t help but search for a tall, purple haired figure he knows he isn’t supposed to be familiar with yet at this point in time. 

They’re all there (save Hendrik,) after having spent some time looking for him around Arboria. Sylvia is missing her feathers, and Jade doesn’t have the very slightest of purple tinge to her skin. Rab isn’t sobbing on the floor to reach out to him, and Serena’s hair is long again. 

Erik still has that sad look in his eyes and the heavy heart in his chest, and Mia is surely still a solid block of gold. 

He wonders, suddenly, if his companions will ever go back to being how they were after the fall. He came back to save Veronica, as well as the world, from the months of despair they’d have to face, and so that they could be happy— happier than they were, in a post-Mordragon world. Will Serena learn to be as independent as she was after the late Veronica’s death? Will Sylvia meet her Soldiers of Smile again, and be able to reconcile with her father? Will Erik trust him with his most precious treasure again, or will the thief carry that guilt with him for the rest of their time?

Will they ever get to share the same close-intimacy as they had after the fall?

“Honey? Are you alright?” Sylvia’s voice suddenly calls. El’s been staring, he knows. He needs to learn to be more subtle. It’s a little hard to convince himself these people aren’t just ghosts, or that this isn’t just a dream. It can’t be though, because everything is most certainly real, and the Sword of Shadows is still weighing heavy on his shoulders.

El nods, and he gives off the smallest of smiles. 

Despite all his doubts, their grief-free faces are a sight for sore eyes. They’re happy, and their banter is encouraging. He has to make the most of this time.

For the first time in many, many months, he feels free of his own duty as the Luminary. 

* * *

His duty comes to haunt him again not long after. 

The ugly sword strapped to his back is definitely a constant reminder, and it isn’t helping his mood at all. It also doesn’t help to see his friends less experienced than they were last, or hearing their comments about how he’s taller and tougher and smashing through enemies like he has a personal vendetta. 

Just a few hours later, they’ll be at the heart of Yggdrasil. Jasper will reveal himself, and Hendrik will be shot down. Mordegon will show himself as having been disguised as King Carnelian, and if things go wrong, he’ll lose his powers, and they’ll have a repeat of the dreaded Fall of Yggdrasil. 

At the same time as before, the party decides to rest after Rab starts feeling tired. They set up for a much needed rest at an abandoned campsite, and El takes his seat beside Erik. He has to keep his hand from straying too far away, because they aren’t as close as they were in his original time yet. 

Maybe they won’t be. 

The crackling of the fire is something that stays the same no matter the place and time, and El finds it’s a suitable distraction from the messy state of his thoughts.

Even if Erik won’t be as close to him as before, it’ll be okay. It won’t be as bad as having to see Erik treat him like a stranger. Veronica will survive, too. A lot more people will get to live out their happy lives.

It’ll be okay. He’ll make sure of it. 

In the peace that washes over their group while Serena plays her harp, El finds that, once again, he is the odd one out. 

It’s a peaceful melody, yes, perhaps melancholy in its tune, but to the others it’s just that; a song. It’s just a song that Serena happens to know, that Veronica claims she played often when they were children. 

It’s also the song she played after the truth about Veronica was revealed, before she made her decision to live and be happy for her sister’s sake.

“Hey,” a voice whispers from next to him. El turns just the slightest to regard Erik, who looks at him with a concerned expression. “Are you sure you’re okay? You’ve been spacing out a lot.”

El nods again, slightly, though a little more firm a second time before signing _“I’m tired."_

Erik chuckles, and he leans back to stare at the stars. “I know what you mean.”

 _‘Do you really?’_ El wonders. He’s not sure anyone could really ever understand fully what he feels. Nobody else is the Luminary, who’s gone back in time to save the people he failed. 

Though he knows, after the quiet nights he spent staring at the stars beside him, that Erik knows what crushing guilt feels like. The crushing guilt of being the one at fault for the lives of your loved ones. 

Veronica pulls out the calamus flute, and as the others muse about the world tree, El stands to make his way back into their tent for the night. 

“Heading to bed, dear?” Sylvia asks from her seat by the fire. El nods, just barely, though he knows he isn’t heading to bed just yet. How could he, after the apocalyptic months of the past? It isn’t like they’re all close enough yet to hug each other to sleep. Not yet. He doesn’t know if they ever will be again, just like a lot of things. 

He doesn’t sign a goodnight after that, and he can’t remember if he did his first time doing this, either. The events of now and then are starting to blur, just a little, like how the flimsy flap of their tent doesn’t truly separate outside from inside. 

El sets out his bedroll and gets tucked in. He isn’t sleepy. Tired, but not sleepy. When he closes his eyes he’s brought back to the time of the time sphere’s shattering, and the bright light that scattered across the tower. Even the tent’s surroundings are darker than the world behind his eyelids.

The others are still chatting outside, and though El can make out what they’re saying, he isn’t absorbing it. People always say that he looks like he’s caught up in his own world. Maybe this time, they’re right. It’s the same world, but it isn’t. 

The rules of the time sphere weren’t clear, and neither was the explanation about time itself. Now that he’s in the past, he can’t help but wonder how the world he abandoned is doing, or if that world even exists anymore. 

Neither of those choices are the ideal choice, to him. 

If the world he failed is still there, in the time he left, then it would simply cement his guilt for leaving them there, to live in a brighter, happier world. If that world was rewritten with this time, it would mean he erased any proof that that world even existed. 

It would also mean that he erased all the intimate moments he shared with his companions, and the people they were. 

This all could have been avoided if he were stronger; he wouldn’t have to be facing this guilt if he had taken down Mordegon the first time. 

He wishes he were stronger, back then.  
  


* * *

Erik comes into the room soon after, and it's only when he feels shuffling beside him does El realize he might have fallen asleep.

He wakes up with a start. He turns to look around and grab for a sword that isn’t there. He shouldn’t be wary-- the monsters aren’t as strong as they were after the fall yet, and the campsite goddess statue will keep them protected, as it always does. Erik looks over him with a matching startled expression, though his concern shines through soon after. 

“Sorry, did I scare you?”

El shakes his head, though at the sight of Erik’s unconvinced eyebrow he nods slowly. He relaxes back into his bedroll when the other starts to get comfortable. He knows his posture is too stiff for bed, but it's hard to be comfortable so close to the world tree— it’s anticipation, just like the first time, except now he’s fixing his failures, instead of making them. 

“You’re gonna wake up with stiff shoulders if you sleep like that,” Erik points out. He’s also staring into the cloth roof of the tent, but when El turns to look, so does he, and it’s so much like the moments they spent together before the time sphere, it's almost tear-jerking. Ever since the first time in that fisherman’s boat, it’s been harder to keep from breaking, but in this world nothing is wrong yet, and he needs to be subtle. 

He curls into himself and buries his face into his pillow, and his air falls into his face. It’s dirty from the time spent in the forest, but he can’t find it in himself to care. 

It isn’t subtle at all. None of it is. 

“Hey…” Erik mutters, moving just a little bit closer with worry. El takes in a deep breath, and it’s hard to keep himself from pushing his face into Erik’s shoulder. He’s never been a good liar. 

“What’s wrong?” he whispers, and El lets out his shaky breath. He wonders if hugging Erik would be overstepping the boundaries they have in this time, and he figures it is, so instead he curls up into himself tighter. 

He wants to sign something; he wants to tell Erik everything, but his hands refuse to stop shaking. He doesn’t want anyone to know of the future, or El’s past, but he wants to tell them. 

He wants to tell someone, but he doesn’t want anyone to know. 

“Is it something you can’t tell us?” Erik asks, and El nods slowly. He can, but he can’t. He would, but he just can’t. That would be divulging months of things he wants so badly to forget. 

He wants to forget, but he doesn’t want to lose what little remains of the people his friends were, and the relationships they shared. 

Erik sighs, sad and a little frustrated, but understanding all the same. “Alright, then. I’m always here if you want to talk about it, though. We all are.” 

He knows. He knows they are. 

Erik makes a move to stand, but the sudden loss of company is unbelievably frightening, and El finds himself uncurling from his ball and gripping Erik’s arm tight. 

_“Stay,”_ he signs. If it comes off a little desperate, as it clearly does, Erik doesn’t comment. His blue eyes simply widen before he lowers himself beside El. 

He knows he’s crossing the line. He wishes he hadn’t done that, but it’s too trivial a matter to go back in time for. It’s the _least_ of his endless list of mistakes. 

Even as he pulls the cloth blanket over his head, El can feel the way Erik is staring at him. It shouldn’t be making him uncomfortable, since it’s _Erik_ , but it does. There are too many secrets between them, as of now. Erik had a lot of things he couldn’t tell even his friends; things he only divulged after losing his memories and realizing how important they were to him. 

_“I’m going to sleep,”_ he signs, peeking a hand out the side of the blanket to do just that. It’s definitely too forceful, and his posture definitely isn’t that of one who’s about to sleep, but it’s enough that Erik will probably leave the questions for another time. 

“Alright. Goodnight, then,” Erik says, and somehow, despite all the thoughts racing in his head, with Erik by his side, El falls asleep quickly. 

* * *

Of course, even with Erik by his side, it doesn’t stop the past from haunting his dreams. 

El wakes up with a start; the image of getting sent away from Nautica against his own will fresh in his mind; as is the fight at the Last Bastion, Rab’s half-dead body, Jade being controlled in Octagonia, and Erik— 

He doesn’t want to think about it. 

El sits up in his cot, looking around and the sleeping figures of his companions. It feels off, with Veronica here and Hendrick gone again. Erik is still in the cot beside his, sleeping with the thin blanket pulled over his head as usual. 

As quietly as possible, so not to wake his companions, he gets out of his cot and pulls on his boots. Sneaking out of the tent isn’t something he usually does (especially not with his sword at his side,) since he tends to be a heavy sleeper, but times change. 

People tend to be different after months in a world of darkness. 

El lowers himself onto the log he previously vacated earlier that night. In fact, it might already be early morning, though he can’t tell. The stars are bright from the First Forest campsite, and he finds it oddly comforting. Erik would sometimes sit and stare at the stars, and he'd tell El about the things he learned from the book he picked up in the Royal Library.

El holds the heavy, dark sword in his hand and grips it tight. The scar where Mordegon stuck his hand into hurts like it does when it rains, though it certainly isn’t wet.

He’s scared. He’s really, _really_ scared of failing again. 

He’s absolutely terrified. 

* * *

El doesn’t remember falling back asleep, but when he wakes, he finds himself back in the tent. 

He makes a displeased face; he’s tired, and he knows he’ll be sluggish once he gets on his feet. He doesn’t remember going back into the tent, though. He doesn’t remember taking off his boots, either. 

Pushing himself up on tired elbows, El looks around to survey his surroundings. No one else is in the tent, and all of their belongings are packed neatly to the side, save his own. It seems he’s the last one awake yet again. 

Just when he’s about to untangle his legs from the thin excuse of a blanket, Jade comes into the tent to check on him. Her eyes widen when she sees him awake, and she smiles. 

“El,” she says, “you’re finally up. Did you sleep well?”

He’s slept better. Compared to the past few nights, however, it’s somehow both better and worse. He didn’t have any dreams, but Erik wasn’t by his side.

He gives her a simple thumbs up, because he can’t think of a comprehensible sentence to sign, and Jade’s smile goes soft and gentle. There’s a look of worry in her eyes that he’s only able to pick out thanks to the soft, quiet nights they spent together after the fall. 

He gets up on his feet, resisting the urge to hug her, and makes his way out of the tent. They’re all waiting for him; Veronica is tapping her foot impatiently, and Erik is examining his dagger. Despite not looking, and the lack of sound made by his exit, Erik is able to pinpoint the exact moment El’s foot hits the ground outside the tent. 

And suddenly everything feels too real.

All eyes are on him, and the fate of this time is weighing on his shoulders like a too heavy cape. The fear from before settles in again.

He’s going to stop Mordegon. He doesn’t have any other choice. 

* * *

Jasper arrives, and El turns around to counter the expected ball of darkness hurled at him. 

His companions turn around in surprise, and so begins the battle against Jasper. He can still remember the pressure on his body when he was reaching for the Sword of Light the first time, and every time Jasper casts his dark magic on him, the memory is brought to the forefront of his mind. 

This time, they win. Jasper falls, and Mordegon disguised as Carnelian arrives with Hendrik at his side. Watching the sudden creases and pain morph Hendricks' face as he watches Jasper disappear hurts; he didn’t even know, at this point in time. He wasn’t even able to reconnect with his friend one last time. 

It’s just another thing he’s broken, another thing he’s stolen and torn apart. 

Hendrik picks up Jasper’s pendant, and he holds it close. El wants to walk up to him and tell him about his friend’s feelings, but he knows he shouldn’t.

So, he doesn’t.

Carnelian tries to reach for the sword, but something stops him. He doesn’t quite catch what it is, much less know why something would do that, but he’s grateful for it. He doesn’t want to experience the pain that comes from Merdegon’s wake. 

He’s still suffering from it, even now. He’s not sure he could go through it a second time. 

The king continues with his fake pleasantries, and El has to restrain himself from revealing him right then and there. It would be a bad time to do so, while they’re still battle weary. 

No, he has to be patient. He’ll show himself when the time is right, and he’ll save this world from the fall. 

Carnelian invites them back to Heliodor as honored guests to hold a banquet in their honor; El doesn’t care for parties and such, but his companions look happy about it, so he might as well pretend to be pleased, as well. 

“I can’t wait to see the faces of those guards when they see my face,” Erik comments with a wide grin and a mischievous snicker. It’s nostalgic to his ears; Erik barely ever snickered like that after the fall. When he did it was subtle, softer, a little more tired.

El nods, and when he smiles at him, Erik grins back.

Maybe this is okay. Maybe they'll be okay. 

Veronica slows to walk by them. She snickers out something behind her hand, and she points her staff at Erik to poke him in the arm rather harshly. 

“Hey!” Erik exclaims, glaring at the sorceress. She laughs again, happy and unbidden, and El realizes once again just how much he misses when his friends were happy. When Veronica was _alive._

El watches as the two bicker about something he doesn’t quite catch. He can hear them, certainly, but he’s too busy thinking about them and this world and how happy he is to see them laughing to possibly care.

“Well?” Veronica asks pointedly in El’s direction. “Don’t you have anything to say?”

El snaps out of his stupor. Right, he needs to have conversations. _“What about?"_ he signs. 

“About you!” Veronica says, exasperated. She throws her arms up and shakes her head exaggeratedly, and she whacks him lightly across the back. “You in general, actually. But mostly you and that idiot over there.” 

“I’m right here,” Erik points out in fond annoyance from his place in step beside El. There’s no real bite behind his remarks, as usual.

“Yeah, yeah.” Veronica waves her hand dismissively. “Is there something going on between you two? I mean, there’s always something going on, but if there’s been some kind of improvement in your relationship you better tell me first!” 

There could be. In a different time, there _was_ something going on between them. 

“Nope,” Erik denies quickly, “nothing going on between us.” 

El visibly deflates. At least, it’s obvious to Veronica. Erik doesn’t seem to notice, and he continues to talk about how the sorceress is making no sense. He walks forward, and has yet to notice the way Veronica tugs the luminary closer to ask him something as they walk slowly, farther away from the group. 

“What’s up with you?” she demands, and the two of them have almost come to a full stop. The question suddenly reminds him that she has, in fact, been dead for the last few months he’s been alive. 

_“What do you mean?”_ El signs instead, feigning ignorance. He knows _exactly_ what’s wrong. 

“Ask yourself! You’ve been acting like a weirdo recently. Not to mention, what was up with the ugly sword?” she says, pulling him along when the others stop to stare and beckon them over. “I mean, it broke, but it doesn’t mean you didn’t show up with it strapped to your back and looking miserable.”

Okay, so maybe he wasn’t being too subtle. He knew that, though he hoped it wasn’t as bad as he thought. 

El opens his mouth— not to say anything, not really, but simply because he’s not sure if he should be acting surprised. He doesn’t know what to sign, either.

Veronica shakes her head in exasperation, but anyone could see the slight concern in her eyes. 

"Don't be an idiot. Talk to us, since we're not idiots, either." 

El nods slowly. He's not sure why he's stopped walking again, but Veronica has done the same, and their companions have stopped to stare. 

"Hey," Erik calls, waiting with his hand on his hip, "you okay?"

El nods quickly, running over to Erik's side and sparing a glance at Veronica as she returns to her twin’s side. 

“Were you talking about something important?” Erik asks. El shakes his head lightly in response. Another lie, though a white one it may be.

 _“It’s not important,"_ he signs. He wants to get this whole thing over with; he wants to get his family out of the dungeons, eat his mother’s stew, and sleep in his bed. 

Though, he’s sure his bed in Cobblestone is still sitting under piles of rubble. At least it’s still just that; a simple village, and not the Last Bastion, with all of its soldiers and weapons.

_“Let’s not keep King Carnelian waiting; I’m exhausted."_

Erik falls a few paces back, but when El turns to give a look of inquiry, he gets back in step beside him. The thief (or former thief, if things go well) flashes him a toothy grin. “They’re gonna hold a banquet in the Luminary’s honor, aren’t they? That’s gonna be one hell of a feast!”

They catch up with the rest of the group, and Serena passes him a look he can’t quite place. Maybe, like her sister, she caught on to his sudden change in demeanor. Has he really been that different, though?

Well, it doesn’t matter so much now. Soon, he’ll defeat Mordegon again, and they’ll never have to worry about the darkness ever again. 

He hopes so. 


	2. Secrets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> theres a fight scene somewhere around the middle of this chapter. there are mentions of injuries but theyre not overly descriptive or looked into. i added an extra divider to signify the start of the fight, and it ends around the line "By the time El gets back on his feet,...." just to be safe

The bustling kingdom of Heliodor is a far cry from the ruins plagued by the dark that he remembers well. 

The guards welcome them with open arms, and the people sing their praise for the Luminary, as well as offer their sincerest apologies for treating him like the darkspawn. El has to admit, it’s nice to be accepted. 

“It's good to be back,” Jade comments. Another pair of footsteps falls closer to his side, and jade smiles at him. Her skin is a lot more pink than he remembers it being. He hopes she never has to turn into a vampire again. 

“Are ye excited to spend time with yer father, lassie?” Rab asks. Though Jade’s responding nod is sincere, there’s visible concern behind them. 

“I am,” she admits, “though, there was something off about him, when we talked on the World Tree. Perhaps I’m just imagining things…”

“Aye, he was a wee bit off,” Rab agrees. He turns to look up at El. “D’ye think so too, lad?”

El shrugs. Mordegon is… well, Mordegon. Even after Carnelian was freed from the dark lord’s holland, he didn’t spend much time with the man.

“Well, we’re going t’ have a little chat once we get to ‘im,” Rab informs, “he was a good friend of mine, back in the day.”

Rab and Jade go on to talk about how Carnelian seems off, unaware that El knows the true reason behind his odd behavior. It wouldn’t be wise to apprehend an enemy they aren’t prepared for. 

El’s hand drifts to his pack, and the weight that carries the equipment his friends had. Their basic gear now can’t possibly compare to what they used when they defeated Mordegon the first time, but he can’t bring himself to give them the items. There would be too many questions that he can’t find in himself to answer yet. 

“Eleven,” a familiar and soft voice calls from behind him. He turns around to meet Serena, meek as ever, with her more confident twin sister at her side. 

He allows himself a step or two so he can walk beside the sisters, and he returns the smile Serena passes him. She looks brighter than she did in his time. So does Veronica, but that’s less of the grief in her features and more of the fact that she’s alive and healthy. 

“Are you feeling well?” Serena asks, “you look rather pale.”

El shakes his head in response. _“Tired,”_ he clarifies. The twins nod in understanding. 

“I’m sure we’re all exhausted,” she agrees, “perhaps later I can heal you all.”

“You’re tired too, Serena,” Veronica points out, “don’t tire yourself out, either.”

The girl in question lets out a laugh, and she brings a hand up over her mouth. “I know, Veronica! However, now that we’re approaching the castle, I can’t help but feel a little more energetic,” she says. “I’ve never been inside a real castle before!”

“Me neither,” Veronica admits, looking pointedly at El. “It would be a shame if our first visit to the castle would turn out as horribly as yours did.” He nods solemnly in response. He’d never wish that on anyone. 

“If worse comes to worst, let’s just hope they haven’t filled in that hole I dug up,” Erik jokes. Well, if Mordegon continues to frame him as the darkspawn later, they can always use zoom. He’s not sure Hendrick will believe them in this time, seeing how he still isn’t aware of his kind’s possession. 

Veronica lets out a fond scoff. “What are you, a dog?”

As the others continue to bicker among themselves, Sylvia decides that it’s her turn to shine, and she approaches the luminary with her casual fun elegance. “Isn’t Heliodor just lovely?” she points out. El gives her a nod in response. 

Sylvia follows in silence for a good while, still staying by El’s side but quiet in the way he knows means that she has something on her mind. He’s never been the pushy tupe, so El allows her the time to think. 

“Say, honey,” she starts, while the group sits at one of the upper-quarter benches near the castle, “would you mind telling me why you were sleeping outside of the tent last night? Hm?”

Ah, so it was Sylvia who carried him in. 

El thinks over his next sentence carefully. _“I couldn’t sleep,”_ he signs. 

The performer lets out a hum that conveys just how suspicious she thinks El is. “Are you sure?” She turns to the luminary fully now, face serious. “You know you can tell us anything, right?

How many people have said that to him already? Two, or three? He’s not sure anymore. 

_“I know,”_ he signs. Sylvia continues to stare him down, but it soon morphs into those gentle smiles they all keep giving him.

She looks like she has more to say, but then Erik approaches and they turn to look. He has his hands on his hips and is looking around, like he’s enjoying the view. 

“Man, being around here as a guest instead of a wanted criminal sure is nice,” he says. “I can look around and enjoy the scenery as much as I want. Though, I think I prefer the slums to the stuck-up business of all these rich folk.”

“Oh, I’ve always dreamed of being a princess in a castle!” Sylvia exclaims, throwing her arms out and bringing them in front of her with her hands clasped. El isn’t sure if what she says is true though, because he can still remember the determination in Sylv’s eyes when she told her father that she isn’t going to give up her dream of making people smile. 

“I don’t think I’ll ever be comfortable in those places for anything other than taking their crap.” Erik shrugs, and he gives a mischievous smirk. El has to agree, minus the stealing part. He doesn’t think he’ll ever really feel like the price of Dundrasil. He’s more at home in the countryside, in Cobblestone. 

Though, right now, there isn’t enough of it for it to be considered a ‘home.’ 

When Rab decides he’s gotten enough rest, the seven of them continue their journey to meet the king. El feels the slightest bit of panic when he spots the golden two-headed eagle statue in front of the castle, and he spares a glance at Erik. Sure enough, the thief is staring at the statue with a conflicted expression on his face. He must be thinking about Mia. 

He doesn’t have any time to dwell on this, though. They continue on their way towards the castle. It isn’t like he has the right to ask Erik about it; not at this time, anyway. 

Meeting the king is awkward, but the minute he sees his family walk into the throne room, he feels an overwhelming kind of happiness and relief. His mother approaches to embrace him, and Gemma explains what happened after Cobblestone was destroyed. He’s heard it all before, but it doesn’t dampen on the relief he feels. 

The banquet is joyous and enthusiastic. His friends eat their fill that night, happy to be eating things other than the bring-around soup from their travels. Veronica keeps passing him glances from across the table, but he refuses to meet her eye. Maybe once he redeems himself, he’ll be able to face her. He’s not sure that will be anytime soon, though. 

He has to make sure to save everyone he failed, first. 

El leaves the banquet later than the rest, after talking to his mother. She’s been looking close to tears the entire evening. She’s happy that her son is back. 

He wonders if his grandad would be happy to see him back, despite all his failures. 

He probably doesn’t have the right to see his grandad right now, though. There are a lot of things he can’t do until he redeems himself, he decides. 

He makes his way towards the guest room granted to him; his companions litter the halls. He spends a few minutes to watch Sylvia dance in the main hall, happy and unbidden. She tried to teach him to dance like that, too. He was never really good at it, though.

Jade is standing by his guest room, and he waves as he approaches. She turns to him to offer a smile, though she still carries the solemn face from earlier. Apparently, her father’s behavior is still worrisome. 

The room is clean— almost too clean. He feels like he’s intruding. It is the castle, after all. He leaves the sword of light neatly propped up on the wooden stand provided. It fits, somehow, in this room. Too clean, not his.

As soon as he falls onto the too-soft bed and its pristine, white cushions, he barely even gets to tuck himself in before he succumbs to the temptation of sleep. He wonders if Erik finds it easy to sleep in these kinds of beds. The thief had explained that he found it hard to sleep when he’s alone, though. When was it that he said that? He thinks it was a while after they became good friends. Or was it after the fall?

He can’t remember. 

* * *

Mordegon comes to take the sword from El while he’s asleep, but some unseen entity stops him from taking it again. 

He shouldn’t have let that happen. He knew Mordegon was in the castle— he shouldn’t have slept at all!

He grabs the sword and grips it tight; he doesn’t want Mordegon to get his hands on it a second time. Even if they aren’t directly under Yggdrasil’s branches, he could very well fly over and destroy it again. 

Just like he did with Erdwin’s lantern. 

His companions come rushing over. They must have heard the commotion. Jade and Rab’s suspicions are confirmed true— he knows he shouldn’t be, but he’s glad he didn’t have to be the one to bring them the bad news. 

They scurry around the castle searching for the possessed Carnelian. Hendrick stays rooted in his spot for a while. He must be devastated to find out he’s been serving a monster, all these years. 

Gemma is absolutely frightened; he knows everyone must be, too. If he fails now, everyone, including the people in this castle, will meet their end. He can’t let that happen.

El is suddenly reminded of the gear left by his companions before he shattered the time sphere. If they’re facing off against Mordegon, it would definitely be best for them to go in with the armor and weapons he crafted to fight him the first time. 

He should give them, shouldn’t he? He had planned not to, but it’s better that they survive this. He doesn’t have time to dwell on this, either. If he doesn’t do it now, they could get hurt in the next battle. He would rather they find out and survive, instead of dying with so many things left unsaid.

El opens his mouth, though even in the spur of the moment he finds that no words come out, so instead he stands in front of his companions, face serious and determined, and signs _“wait.”_

“What do you mean ‘wait?’” Veronica asks, exasperated and panicking. “We have a evil lord to be fighting right about now! Pull yourself together!”

“Veronica has a point, El,” Jade says, looking annoyed, though he can tell it isn’t aimed at him, but more at the situation, “if we don’t hurry—”

 _“I know,” he signs, “come with me, I promise it’ll be quick.”_ If they aren’t, then surely he’ll have no other choice but to shatter the time sphere a second time.

“I trust you,” Erik blurts out suddenly. Serena seems a bit startled by this, but she nods in agreement. “I don’t think you’ll do anything wrong, so lead the way!”

El manages a smile. His companions always did believe in him, didn’t they? Even after he failed them, they trusted him, and broke free of Jasper’s hold at the Fortress of Fear.

He leads them lack to his guest room, and immediately heads for his pack. It's bulky, bulkier than they remember, surely, but he can worry about that later.

El passes around the gear he brought back from his time. They take them without complaint, but the confusion is clear in their eyes. They don’t have the liberty of explanations right now, though, so he rushes over and spreads out the divider. 

_“Change,”_ he signs, though he knows he looks like he’s pleading. They comply, though not without any questions while doing so. 

“Where’d you get all this stuff?” Erik asks, pulling on the assassin’s gear they found on one of the islands. He picks up the daggers El crafted, and he looks amazed as he examines them. “This is a lot better than anything I’ve seen you craft, recently. Did you buy this?”

_“I’ll tell you later.”_

When his companions finish getting outfitted in new gear, he finds Veronica staring at him. She has a new wand in her hands, but her clothes remain as the humble red dress she’s had with her throughout their journey. 

“I don’t get an outfit, too?” she scoffs, though it’s not as annoyed as she tries to make it sound. 

“This is a lovely dress,” Serena comments. In the saint’s dress, she really does look like a goddess. Jade seems to be admiring the work of her dress. Sylvia seems to really like her feathers, too.

 _“Let’s go,”_ he signs, pushing open the doors, and gesturing for them to exit. Rab lingers by the door to stare at him.

“I’m not entirely sure where ye got all this, laddie, but ye better tell yer auld man about it when this is all over, ye hear me?” he says. He looks serious, like he does in the middle of a fight. They are leading up to the biggest one they’re going to have, so it makes sense. He hopes that it’s the last life-threatening one they’ll have to face, at least.

_“Okay.”_

* * *

They find Sandy barking at the doors of the throne room. It’s obvious then where Mordegon is ‘hiding.’

He takes a deep breath. He’s going to stop Mordegon. He’s going to save Veronica, and all the people he failed.

El throws open the doors to the throne room. 

They rush into the room, and he can hear the sound of Hendrik’s armor following after them. The fake Carnelian turns to look, and he steels himself for the battle. 

He feels the warmth in his chest fluttering like it did when his companions shouted out their belief in him when fighting against the already defeated Jasper’s bonds. The warmth doesn’t last, though. 

If he’s fighting against a Mordegon who hasn’t yet stolen the powers of the luminary, then perhaps they are about the same in strength. He’s never been good at gauging such things, though, so he’ll have to be careful.

El rushes in with the sword of light in his hand, and makes a move to perform a technique he learned after the fall against Mordegon. As he suspected, he barely takes any damage, even after multiple slashes. It shouldn’t be surprising; even without the stolen powers, the ‘Lord of Darkness’ isn’t just a title.

He doesn’t expect Mordegon to duplicate his staff, and for two more to sprout from his magic. Apparently, they move on their own. One of them hurls a powerful ball of darkness towards him, and he falters in his place.

Serena rushes to his side, wand at the ready. Her healing magic, while not as effective as it was after the fall, is still a huge help. He steadies himself within seconds. 

Mordegon summons a fog of purple mist, and everytime Serena tries to heal him, El starts to feel worse. It’s probably the purple mist. She seems to get the idea though, so she focuses on attacking Mordegon’s staves. Jade’s heel tends to get caught when trying to aim for the damned sticks, but she kicks her leg to the side to recover. 

Veronica and Serena cast their magic soon after the other, and seeing the elder’s giant explosion come soon after the wind, he’s reminded that Serena no longer carries her twin’s magic.

“El!” Erik calls, and when he’s finally at full attention, Mordegon makes a swipe for his ribs. 

The scream he lets out is pained and pushed through gritted teeth. At best, his ribs are cracked. At worst, they’re broken.

It’s fine, though. He still has to fight.

The purple mist prevents any of them from receiving any support, and Erik rushes to his side when he gets back to his feet. His chest hurts, but he needs to fight. 

The battle is long and hard-fought. It’s painful to keep fighting with his battered ribs, but he manages. His friends try to take his blows for him, and while he’s grateful, they’re more wounds his friends have to take because of his mistake. Jade stays by his side, as if trying to protect him. Sylvia is busy trying to slap some sense into their confused companions.

Soon the mist disperses, and the first two people by his side are Serena and Rab. They’re trying their best to heal him, and while it’s working, his ribs are definitely still battered. He can’t feel the pain though, and all of his smaller wounds have stopped bleeding. 

Mordegon looks like he’s reaching his limit. That’s a good thing. He needs to finish him off once and for all. 

El extends his hand, calling forth the technique Master Pang gifted him as a parting gift. He’s practically drained of all his magic, but he has enough to call forth the magic sword and end Mordegon once and for all. 

By the time El gets back on his feet, the dark lord is letting out an echoing scream. He’s breathing hard, and glaring at him like he’s the bane of his existence. In every sense, he is.

But then his eyes drift away, and his scowl turns into a smirk. 

“So be it,” Morden says, his final words before he evaporates into purple mist, “but do not think that you are the only one who has defied the flow of time.”

El feels his heart sink into his chest at those words, and as Mordegon lets out one last scream of anguish, he leans on the nearest person for support. 

He’s feeling… really tired. 

He hears a chorus of people calling his name. Apparently the nearest person was Erik, who’s having a rather hard time keeping him upright. 

“El,” Erik calls frantically. Maybe he used up too much power in that last attack. He’s sure Erik must be feeling tired, too. He shouldn’t rely on his companions so much.

He gets up on his unsteady feet despite the protests of his friends. There’s another groan sounding from in front of them, and it appears Carnelian has finally come to. 

Jade rushes to her father’s side, and he allows father and daughter to meet for the first time in sixteen years before approaching. 

Fortunately, this is the real Carnelian, who is serious but sincere like the last time he saw him. Unfortunately, they’re all feeling weak, including the king, and need their rest. 

Jade leads her father back to his room, and the rest of them make their way back to their own guest quarters. They all find the need to escort him back to his room, which he believes is entirely unnecessary, considering that he can handle himself and they’re all equally as tired. 

“I still have to check your ribs, Eleven,” Serena informs. Right, they’re still broken. She’s probably going to heal them thoroughly now. 

The rest of them, save the twins, and surprisingly, Erik, return to their guest quarters for the night. He suspects that Rab may have gone to check in on Jade and Carnelian. They must have caused quite the commotion, so late in the night. It might even be early morning. 

“What are _you_ doing here?” Veronica asks. The thief looks a little flushed, just a bit. 

“Do you have any lasting injuries?” Serena asks, always concerned.

“Oh, no.” Erik shakes his head. “I’m just gonna get my stuff… We left it in El’s room, remember?”

“Oh, right!” Serena exclaims. “I completely forgot. I’ll gather everyone’s belongings and bring them to their rooms later.”

 _“Thanks,”_ El signs. He’s leaning against the doorframe before he’s ushered inside of the room. 

Serena’s treatment, when paired with her sister’s, works like a charm. His ribs feel good as new; it might have to do with Yggdrasil’s blessing, being her favorite leaf. He wishes she would extend her magic to his friends, too. 

“Well, I’m beat!” Veronica exclaims. “I deserve some rest.”

“Try not to stay up too late, Eleven,” Serena says. “You too, Erik.” Veronica lets out a snicker at that.

“Yeah, yeah, I’ll leave in a bit,” Erik says. He doesn’t look like he’s going to be leaving anytime soon though, if his lazy posture on the couch is anything to go by. 

The twins leave to return to their quarters. It's just across the hall, but the spaces between the rooms are rather large.

Silence settles between the two left in the room as El pulls his shirt back on and leaves his equipment on the floor. Erik isn’t making a move to get up, so E assumes the thief didn’t come to his room just to talk. 

“So,” Erik starts. He pulls out the daggers El gave him, brought along from the past. “All of this new gear.”

El opens his mouth, though he barely gets any sound out. He turns to face Erik instead. The thief is holding his dagger out in front of him, staring at it and looking for impurities. Erik won’t see anything he signs, even if he were looking, what with the dark of the room, so he simply waits for him to continue.

“You’re quiet,” he explains. El knows he isn’t talking about talking, or his voice. “You tend to fidget a lot, I noticed. You’ve been pretty still now, though.”

Has he been quiet? He didn’t even know he fidgeted. He’s always had a hard time staying still as a kid, though. Chalky used to think it was cute.

“I don’t like accusing you, and like I said earlier, I trust you.” He can hear the way Erik sits up, so he turns to look. “But you’re hiding something, aren’t you? The others tell me they think the same.”

He’s never been good at lying. He knows that even if he tries to hide it, his impulsive decisions like the ones earlier will let the secrets out before he’s even ready. Still, he doesn’t want anyone to know, even if they already suspect something. 

“I mean, I get it,” Erik starts again, “we all have secrets. I know I do.” El knows that he does. He’s known that since the day they met. They aren’t secrets to him anymore, though. At least, they weren’t secrets with Erik in the past.

It’s the past now, isn’t it? Since they’ve already defeated Mordegon. They’ve already strayed from the fall. He’s made up for his failures.

He’s redeemed himself, hasn’t he?

No— he hasn’t. Cobblestone is still in shambles. Hendrik is still devastated over the loss of Jasper. 

He hasn’t made up for destroying the people his friends were, and the redemption they finally received after the fall. 

Erik is staring at him, and he’s sure his silence is starting to bother him. El is scared; meeting his eyes is hard, but he forces himself to do so. He has to get his point across. 

_“I do have secrets,”_ he confirms, _“but they’re not things I can tell you just yet.”_

Erik looks a little disappointed by this, but he’s understanding all the same. “I understand—”

El extends his arms so his hands can be seen properly. _“But I’ll tell you. I promise I will, eventually. Just not now.”_

Erik’s eyes widen at this. He stares at his hands for a bit, and he can see the way the thief’s hands clench and unclench around his newly acquired dagger.

“Alright. I’ll wait, then. I’ll be waiting,” he says. He has that determination in his eyes like he did when he remembered everything after the fall, when they were on their way to save Mia.

El musters up the most thankful smile he can. _“Thank you.”_

He’ll be waiting, too. For the day Erik is ready to share his past with him. When all of his companions can find it in themselves to share the same part of themselves as they did in the past.

They have no more fights to weather through, after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im pretty busy this week, so the next chapter might take a little longer :'( hopefully ill get it out by the end of next week


	3. Prolonged

He shouldn’t have spoken so soon. 

That morning, he wakes, instinctively searching for Erik at his side, or any one of his companions, only to awaken further when the familiar warmth isn’t there. 

Right, Erik went back to his quarters. He’s alone. 

El buries his face into the pillow with a sigh. The magic of the twins definitely worked, but he’s still feeling tired. He wasted more energy than he should’ve, yesterday. 

But, he did it. He stopped the fall from happening, and now they’re living in a world of peace. He can focus on other things now. 

El sits up lazily. His hair feels unbelievably greasy— maybe he can take a bath before seeing the king.

It still doesn’t feel real. He can’t believe that there aren’t anymore fights to rush into, or that the world has already been saved. 

He allows himself to stretch in bed, letting out a yawn, though neither action is really doing much to help him feel more awake. He isn’t used to sleeping in something so soft. 

He gets up on his feet and looks for his shoes, though he finds them neatly placed near the door beside another pair of very familiar looking boots.

He looks up to see Gemma, happy smiles and morning greetings, and he can feel himself becoming more awake. According to her, King Carnelian is waiting in the throne room. It’s disappointing that they can’t chat more, but duty calls. 

He’s really tired of his duty already. 

Gemma giggles softly. “You’re already late, you know! You were sleeping so soundly, none of us could muster up the courage to wake you up.”

Well, that isn’t so unusual. At least he slept normally this time. 

“You know, last night,” Gemma starts, after a moment of awkward silence, “I was so worried about you. The guards ushered me back to my guest quarters, but even from there I could hear the commotion. I wasn’t too far away, you know— just down the hall.”

El pulls on his coat and slips his arms through the holes. How many times has he left Gemma, his family, without telling them anything?

"I wish I could've done something," she admits, "I wish I could've helped you."

El gathers his boots and settles back onto the bed to put them on. _"I don't want you to get hurt,"_ he tells her. He has a choice, so he isn't going to let Gemma anywhere near the heat of battle. She's already dealt with enough.

"I don't want that of you, either," Gemma says, with enough heat for the silence that follows to be a lot more bothersome than either of them are used to. "I don't want you to get hurt, El. You're my best friend." 

She takes a step forward, worry etched into her features. "I know that it's your duty, but promise me to be safe, from now on. You already defeated the king of the bad guys, haven't you?" 

Well, he has. Maybe he can relax now, and be less of a worry for his family. 

El nods, and by the time his boots are on, he's standing, and the two of them are in each other's arms. 

He pulls away far enough to sign _"I'll come home, right after I see what the king wants."_

"You better!" Gemma says, hitting him playfully on the arm with a laugh. 

This is good. He defeated Mordegon, finally, and reclaimed what he once lost. If he's lost another good thing in exchange, well, he'll have to find a way to redeem himself for letting go of that.

Gemma sees him out the room, and with one last wave, he makes his way to see Carnelian. 

The knights push open the doors for him, and, as usual, he's the last one awake. He should be ashamed, but he's getting pretty used to it. 

"Hey," Erik greets. Veronica snorts. 

"Hey, slept in again?" she asks jokingly. Despite that, he gives her a nod. She seems to find it very funny. 

She's laughing— he likes her laugh. 

Carnelian, the real one, gives his speech about how El is the savior of Erdrea. Even if it's true, he doesn't really feel like he did. Surely there has to be more he needs to do as of yet. 

Veronica sheds her tears, and El can’t help but think about the trick Mordegon played at the Fortress of Fear. Veronica, asking him to die. 

Maybe, just maybe, if it were the real Veronica, he would comply without any objections. 

No— he’s sure he would. Veronica would never, ever ask him to die, though. She's not that kind of person. 

Even after her tears have dried, she doesn't ask him for any such thing. Instead, she smiles, and she thanks him. "For everything," she says, and he fights back the urge to correct her. _He_ should be sorry for everything. For letting her die, even if it was just once.

In little time, they find themselves having a mini party in the throne room. Carnelian even gets off his throne to talk to him. He's a good man, frightening though he may be. Erik stays close to him during all this. In fact, he seems to have something he wants to say. 

El turns to ask him if he needs something, but then the party dies down, and slowly but surely they recognize the tremor beneath their feet. 

There's a lot of chatter again; a few "What's happening?"s and a lot of scared murmuring. According to Serena, she can sense something evil approaching. He knows not to doubt her sense, but he can't help the incredulous look he gives her. There's _more?_

And suddenly one of the guards comes rushing into the room, panic clear in his features, frantically asking them to come look; that Erdwin's Lantern is… something. He doesn't elaborate, but the king gets to his feet quickly, and beckons them to the balcony to see what's truly wrong. 

He’s really, really tired already. 

Erik catches his wrist, and he turns to look. The thief gives him a serious stare. “There was something I needed to tell you, but… well, it seems like it’ll have to wait.”

El gives him a solemn nod. Of course it has to wait. All good things have to be earned. He has to earn his happy ending, too. 

Following Carnelian up to the balcony is a confusing myriad of stairs that has El confirming in his mind that yes, he never wants to live in a castle. With each skipped step he takes his anxiety grows more unbearable, and on top, he sees the unimaginable.

Erdwin’s lanter, which Mordegon had destroyed in his own time, is falling. 

* * *

The King orders them to go view Erdwin’s Lantern from the Emerald Coast. It’s a tedious task, and the sad look his family gives him almost convinces him not to go. 

Almost. If he wants to give them a happy ending, he has to work for it. 

He isn’t even sure why the star is falling, or why it looks… different, but the dread looming over him is strong, again. If it’s an immediate danger and he isn’t prepared for it, he could lose his friends _again._

At least Hendrik is with them, again. He isn’t exactly the same as he was when they met at the Last Bastion, but perhaps this is for the better. This is them, without the trauma of losing so many loved ones. This is better.

In preparation for their prolonged journey to… do whatever it is that needs to be done, their little party of seven— no, eight, go on a short shopping trip for herbs and other things that might be needed. They didn’t receive any funds from the king, but… well, they’ve collected enough money from their travels, probably. He isn’t given any time to bathe, either, but that’s a lesser problem.

He’s been journeying for so long, the line separating events of before and after shattering the time sphere are starting to blur once again. He doesn’t want to forget those events, even if it causes him unimaginable pain. 

On the way to the general store, El passes by what he assumes is a bookstore, based on the giant tome they’re using as their logo. He stops in his place, which quickly calls the attention of his companions. 

“Is there… something that you need from the bookstore, luminary?” Hendrik asks. He’s awkward, as if he still doesn’t know how to address him. The way it was back when they’d first joined as allies. 

_“Eleven is fine,”_ he signs. Hendrick raises an eyebrow, as most people do when he introduces himself. 

“Are you unable to speak? I’m afraid I do not yet know how to read your hands, as of yet.” Of course. Teaching Erik had been a pain, too. 

“He says you can call him Eleven,” Jade assists. 

“Eleven as in… the number?” the knight asks. _Yes, ‘Eleven’ as in the number. I’ve wondered the same thing, too,_ he thinks.

 _“You can just call me ‘El,’”_ he informs, and Jade interprets his words to the man once more. Hendrick still looks confused, which, to his defense, is understandable. He nods though, and expresses his thanks through bowing to the princess. As expected as Heliodor’s most respected knight. 

Hendrik straightens his back to turn to him. “I see… well, is there anything you need from the bookstore… El?” He’s so awkward, it almost makes Eleven want to snort. Some of his companions are already doing so, behind the knight’s back. 

_“I just want to check something. I’ll meet up with you at the gates.”_

“Are you sure, El?” Jade asks. She’s always worried about him… if he squints hard enough he can imagine the face she made when he was about to leave—

It hurts, but he doesn’t want to forget. He knows, if his time still existed, his friends there would never forget. 

So, he can’t ever forget them, either. 

_“I’ll be quick,”_ he promises. He’s probably just going to pick up a thicker notebook than the ones they have in the general store and some charcoal to write with. 

Maybe a book about the time sphere, if those are safe for selling at all. 

“We’ll see you at the gates,” Serena calls out. He waves vaguely to let her know that she’s been heard. As if he’d let them set out on a journey without him. If he’d lost them again because of something as simple as that… 

A tap on his shoulder startles him out of his thoughts. He hopes that no one hears the pitiful gasp that escapes him. The luminary, unbothered by the lord of darkness, but shocked by a single tap on his arm… He really needs to stop letting his mind wander, like that. If it were to happen in battle, his friends could get hurt trying to protect him. 

“Hey,” Erik calls. He isn’t wearing the worn-down gear from El; just his normal, green shirt. His everyday outfit. It’s the Erik who never lost his memories because of the luminary’s failures. “Even if most of the people know you aren’t the darkspawn now, it doesn’t mean there aren’t still a few freaks who think so. I’m staying with you.”

El blinks blindly at him before signing “I can take care of myself, but thank you.” Erik lets out a dry laugh. 

“I know that, but there’s no harm in being careful, you know.” Well, Erik has a point, but he isn’t sure how he’d explain buying a notebook, of all things. 

El leads them into the store. The last time they were surrounded by so many books as back in the Royal Library in the Snaerfelt.

“So,” Erik starts, standing around as El flips through their different blank-paged books, “I don’t remember you ever being a book kind of person…”

El stays silent until he pays for his things; a notebook just small enough to fit in his waist bag, and a few pieces of charcoal pencils. 

_“I’m not,”_ he finally answers, now that they’re walking out of the bookstore to meet the rest of their companions by the gate.

“Thinking of getting into other hobbies, are you?” Erik jokes. He should know that the notebook is blank… but the less questions he asks the better, El supposes. It would be better if he didn’t read what he intends to write in it, either. 

El nods, just because it’s easier to do. It isn’t technically a lie; the notebook, or journal, more rather, is going to be taking up a lot of his free time if he’s going to cover all the many months spent in the world after the fall. 

“So, about what I was going to tell you, back in the castle,” Erik says, “I… I’m pretty bummed out about this whole ‘Erdwin’s Lanter is falling’ thing. Just when we think we’re about to get our happy end, something else comes along… Life just isn’t fair sometimes, is it?”

Oh, and how _right_ those words are. Life isn’t fair; for twins to be separated from birth, for Erik not being allowed to be with his sister, for everything that’s happened so far. It just isn’t fair at all.

“Are you going to tell me what you were going to say?” El asks. His companions, at least deserve their happy ends. They’ve already been through enough.

“I was gonna,” Erik explains, “but… how about we wait until this whole lantern business is over? Maybe then I’ll tell you.”

Maybe; it’s just a maybe. He doesn’t have the right to ask Erik to promise anything. They’re not even the kind of partners they used to be. 

_“Promise?”_ he asks, in spite of all of it. 

“Sure, that’s a promise.”

El’s hand twitches, hoping for some kind of contact between them, but he knows that he can’t, so he lets it rest on the bag by his hip; on the notebook inside of it. 

A notebook, or a journal; in fact, neither of those words sound right at all.

It’s a letter— a series of letters. Letters to the world he left and the world he’s living in. 

It’s a letter to himself, so that he doesn’t forget.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this took a while, ive been busy. this chapter is also shorter than usual :'( 
> 
> also important: i got put that scene where veronica cries in the wrong chapter, so i moved it to this one!!! sorry abt that.
> 
> another note: I LITEARLLY FORGOT TO NAME THE CHAPTER SORRY
> 
> feel free to talk to me on my tumblr @overweeningpride ill probably post more updates there.


	4. Scars

It comes as a very, very big surprise to find out that El can’t cast his zoom spell. 

It isn’t that he’s doing it wrong; he knows when he’s casting a spell wrong, and zoom is a fairly easy spell. Veronica was the one who taught him it, too. Yet, no matter how many times he attempts to cast it, he finds something preventing him from doing so. 

Fortunately, they’re able to borrow a few horses… El’s own horse comes rushing, as if she’s simply aware of when she’s needed at his side. 

They can all sense it— at least, Rab does; the dark foreboding feeling hanging in the air. They’re all exhausted and angry at Erdwin’s Lantern for bringing more dangerous, life-threatening work to do, and Sylvia has no qualms with expressing this out loud. Hendrik’s presence is doing a great job at making their little party feel safer, though. 

It is rather alarming to find dragons littering the path to The Emerald Coast. Defeating Mordragon aside, El doesn’t think he can do it alone. His companions aren’t as skilled as they were back when they’d fought him, and even with Hendrik at his side, he isn’t sure if they’d be able to take one down unharmed. 

Emerald Coast… was where he woke up, after being saved by Queen Marina. Now, only he knows of the events that occurred then. Events of getting fished and rushing currents and the cold bed of the hungry fisherman.

What’s more surprising is arriving at the coast and seeing the massive ball of darkness. Definitely something of evil origins, though speculations as to what exactly it’s supposed to be is anyone’s guess. 

Seeing the Seer as Mordegon is never something he expected to see. The last time he saw them, the Seer could transform themself at will; back when Alizarin attacked after the fall. Of all the possible forms they could have chosen from, why did it have to be the least endearing of them all?

Of course, wise as they are, they’re aware of their party being on edge at the sight of Mordegon, and reverts into something more acceptable; the form of the woman, who he’s more accustomed to associating with the name. 

And of course, she had to bring up Cetacea and her flute _and_ the watchers, which are all things El never intended for his companions to know about, as well.

Veronica pulls out the Calamus Flute. Of course she’d come to the conclusion; she’s always been smart, and it’s the only flute that they have.

For a minute he contemplates pretending not to know how to play the flute, but it’s the only way to advance, isn’t it? If he wants his happy ending for his companions, then he supposes he’ll have to spare a lie or two, later. 

The tune he spent so long listening to, the only song the flute plays, comes off fluidly, and even if it was just a few seconds, he almost felt as if he was transported back to his original time. 

Cetacea comes flying down in response to the flute, and it’s exactly like old times; when she came rushing to their aid after the fight with Mordragon, and when they had all slumped onto her back into a heap of fading adrenaline and laughter and disbelief. When Erik had held his hand and Jade was hugging Serena, and when Sylvia wrapped them all in a tear-jerking hug that had Hendrik dropping his sword and Rab chortling with joy and shedding tears. 

“What are you grinning for? Anyone would think you ride flying whales for fun, you know,” Veronica calls out suddenly, pulling him out of another episode of reminiscing. He needs to stop doing that; he needs to focus on the _now._

They all get on Cetacea’s back, and he doesn’t even need to tell her where to go before she’s taking off in the direction of the Haven’s Above. She’s always been smart; perhaps she can tell what they’re feeling.

For the time being, he’ll allow himself to just be, and enjoy the feeling of being back in the sky.

* * *

His relaxing comes to an end as soon as they step off Cetacea’s back. 

It’s a surprise to see so many of the watchers, knowing how the place looks as the one, sole island, and the single child watcher. However, the watchers themselves aren’t a surprise to him at all, though they may be for his companions. 

At least now he has an explanation as to… whatever that dark tockle creature was. Hadn’t Rab made out the name ‘Calasmos’ when he’d tried to read the runes back in the other time, as well? 

Had Mordegon destroyed the star then… because he didn’t want to fight this other, dark entity?

Speaking to the watchers is rather calming, El has to admit. Sylvia seems to like them a lot, as well. She waves whenever they pass by one. She thinks they’re cute, according to her. El has to remind her that, no, they can’t bring the watchers on their journey.

What isn’t calming, however, is the sight of the mural he’d first seen near Octagonia, where they'd first discovered the time cog. 

He doesn’t want to think about it. 

The events after seeing the mural happen in a haze. He barely comprehends Eegoltap’s words, or Veronica asking if she can keep the cute dresses they have. The Temple of Dawn is as melancholy as ever, and yet the haze still remains. 

Was discovering that mural a blessing or a curse? In trying to bring another back into his life, he just lost seven more. 

He’s finally understanding what the time keeper meant, when they said ‘to lose time is to lose much.’

Suddenly Eegoltap is walking, and he can feel himself going through some kind of change. Erik says he feels stronger. El does, too. It’s terrifying; to watch his friends grow stronger yet. To watch them become more and more like the people after the fall. 

He misses them; he misses the friends he left behind, but he doesn’t want to lose these ones, either, the same people though they may be.

After collecting information about the seedlings, the watchers offer them lodgings at their inn. They don’t fit in their beds (save Veronica, who does get a bed,) so instead the watchers offer them cots of luxurious fabrics. 

Late at night so not to be joined by any of his companions, El decides to (finally) take the shower he’s been waiting for. 

Alone, with no one around save the embers of the fire keeping it bright, El lets himself sink into the bath provided. 

It’s almost as if the scar Mordegon left is getting uglier by the day.

El lets his hair soak before washing off, yet even as he’s pulling on clothes, the haze from the day remains. 

“That scar wasn’t there before,” a familiar voice calls out.

Damn Erik and his stupidly silent footsteps. _“What scar?”_ he asks. Playing innocent is futile and he knows it, but he’s hoping for a miracle here, and he knows from experience that if you want one, you have to be the one to make it happen. 

“That,” the thief points out dryly, eyeing the wide scar over his chest, as if someone had punched a giant whole through it. Someone had, and it was Mordegon, but if it had happened in this time, Erik would surely have noticed such a grave injury. “Is it new?”

 _"No."_ El puts on his most convincing confused expression, though he isn't sure if it's really that persuasive. _"It's from a long time ago."_

"I think I would remember you getting something that looks like that." 

He's right. Anyone would remember the fall of Yggdrasil. He doesn't think watching the Lord of Darkness steal the luminary's powers is something forgettable, either. 

Especially if you were the one experiencing it. 

_"Maybe you were out of commission,"_ he suggests. Pulling on a shirt has never been so relieving, but even so it's absolutely terrifying being reminded that the scar is real, and that there's permanent proof of the shattering of the time sphere, and Erik just got a glimpse of it. 

"Really?" Erik moves closer to El, but he makes no attempt to touch him. "That's dead-straight in the middle of your chest. I'm surprised you haven't kicked the bucket." 

He is, too. He can still remember the pain of getting his strength ripped out, as well. 

_"I'm fine. It's old, anyway."_ It's true; the scar does nothing more than ache when it rains, and he doesn't want anyone else to see it. It was months ago, already. Maybe even a year. 

Erik stares blankly at him. He obviously suspects something; he's sure he has since the day they set out to climbing Yggdrasil. 

"Hey," the thief starts, obviously leading up to a different topic, "Mordegon said something before he died, didn't he? Do you remember?"

Of course he does. El can't help the feeling that he understands what his last words meant, now. 

This entire thing is his fault. He was the one who brought Calasmos here. 

"'Don't think you're the only one who's defied the laws of time…' or something like that." Erik stands still even as El gathers all his belongings to leave the bath. "What do you think he meant by that?" 

_"I'm not sure."_ Oh, but he is; there's no doubt about it, now. _"Maybe Rab has an idea."_

El doesn't know what they’d do if they found out. Never forgive him for abandoning the other world, probably. 

“Yeah… let’s ask him, tomorrow.”

Erik doesn’t say anything else, after that. He follows El out of the bath, but he doesn’t say a word. Finally, right outside of the inn, the thief speaks again. 

“Are you sure you’re okay?” he asks. “It’s like you’re…”

He trails off at the end, but he doesn’t need to continue for El to know what he wishes to say. Not the same person. Broken and tired and _different._

 _“I am,”_ he assures, though even he can’t tell if it’s the truth. 

Erik isn’t convinced. He never is. 

The two of them go back into the inn awkward as strangers, and El makes an excuse to step outside about having to dry his hair before going to bed. He can tell that they’re all giving him confused looks, save Hendrick, who doesn’t realize this isn’t normal. 

The air is thin on the watcher’s islands, but it’s nothing compared to losing his breath as Mordegon rips his heart out, or falling into the sea after the fall of Yggdrasil. He wonders if anything in this world could possibly be that bad. This world, which he hasn’t ruined twice over.

Though, you could say he already has ruined it.

“Eleven,” Jade’s voice calls out, with Serena at her side, depressed in their sleepwear, “aren’t you going to come inside yet? We’re just about to head to bed.”

 _“I’ll join you in a bit,”_ he says. How long has it been since he left to ‘dry his hair?’ Long enough for them to have finished whatever their last topic of conversation, at least.

Serena then steps up, poised and graceful as usual, even tired as she looks. “Erik tells me you have a wound that I haven’t checked yet. Is this true?”

El holds back a groan. He should’ve told Erik not to tell anyone. But then again, that would make him more suspicious. 

“It’s old,” he explains, “Erik is probably just worried.”

Serena nods. “He is.”

“We all are,” Jade explains. 

_“Well, we do have to fight another evil lord.”_

“There’s that, too, but that isn’t what I meant.” The princess shakes her head and places a hand on his shoulder. “It’s you. You’re worrying us, El.”

“Is there something that’s been on your mind?” Serena asks, still as gentle as ever. Actually, there _has_ been a lot on his mind; too much. Perhaps they collectively decided to gang up on him so he’d spill the beans. This isn’t fair at all.

_“I’m fine, I promise. I’m just tired. I thought Mordegon would be the end of it.”_

The two of them nod in understanding. “I understand,” Serena says, “but if there’s anything else you wish to tell us, we’ll be here to listen, ok?”

He knows they’re always there. Oh, but the sacrifices he has to make, to keep his friends happy. 

_“I know.”_ How could he forget, when they take every chance they get to remind him?

Serena and Jade enter the inn once more, and El once again wonders if he's doing the right thing, keeping it all a secret.

* * *

Late that night, under the soft light of a single candle and accompanied by his companion’s snores, El puts pen to paper. 

He still isn’t sure who he wants to address the letters to. There are a lot of people he wants to apologize to, a lot of things he’s sorry for, but there are too many for him to write to one by one. 

> To the past I abandoned;

El’s hand stops after writing those words. What does he say? He’s sorry… but sorry for what? 

Everything, he supposes.

> I’m sorry for leaving even after you asked me to stay. I don’t know if you’ll ever read this, or if your time still exists, but I don’t think I’d ever have the courage to show you this, either way. I’m scared that I’m the last existing proof that you ever existed, despite how badly I want to redo all my mistakes. I don’t want to forget the months that passed after the fall. If you’re still there, and there’s no longer a me in your time, I’m sorry for leaving everyone alone. I’m sorry for running away, and I’m sorry for failing you all. I promise I won’t forget.
> 
> -El

El reads over the letter one last time. It doesn’t have everything he wants it to say, but it’ll do, for now. 

He closes the book and shoves his writing materials back into his bag before blowing out the lights and slipping into the cot left for him. Unsurprisingly, they left him the one beside Erik’s, who is fast asleep in his own blankets. 

The rustling of blankets has never sounded louder, but luckily none of his companions wake as he gets situated into bed. Good. 

El closes his eyes and succumbs to sleep, hoping that his dreams will be peaceful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it might be a while before i post a new chapter bc of my wrist problems


	5. Fluctuating

> To mom; 
> 
> I'm sorry I left without saying anything. I tried to bring back who I lost, but you never even got the chance to meet her, or even hear about our adventures. I'm sorry for not staying longer. My last year in that time was spent away from the village, and I didn't even ask for your permission before I left. Being the luminary doesn't excuse me from being a bad son, does it? 
> 
> I hope you'll forgive me, mom. 
> 
> -your son, El

* * *

Finding the seedlings is a pain in itself, but it’s much more annoying when they locate them, only to find out and see that there aren’t any clues as to how to defeat Calasmos. 

Zooming to Angri-La brings up many questions (El should only be able to zoom to places he’s been before, and they don’t recall making a stop at Mount Pang-Lai before,) but at the very least, the seedling there gives them a clue as to how to get to the Dark One. 

With no knowledge as to dressing-up Cetacea, the Seer, once again, comes to their aid. It’s rather alarming, actually. 

All of them are wary of the Seer, and the necklace they pass on to Veronica. But then she starts glowing, and then… Veronica is standing in front of them in her full glory… literally. 

He’s suddenly reminded that Veronica hadn't even been returned to her real age, when she’d died. He hopes that at least, this time… 

El shakes his head furiously. No, she isn’t going to die. Not anytime soon. 

Just when he thinks he’s seen it all, Veronica and Serena turn into a tree. Maybe there are things he hasn’t seen, even being from a different future. 

Witnessing his ancestor’s death was never on his to-do list. If not even Erdwin could defeat Calasmon, who is El to assume that he can?

And then he’s looking at Serenica as she approaches the accursed tower of time. She looks so much like him, with his companions, who just lost someone they couldn’t live without, who would do anything to bring them back. Her sword breaks upon impact with the time sphere, because she isn’t the luminary, almost as if only The Hero deserves to be with the people they love. 

Serenica is waiting on that tower as the timekeeper, was waiting on that tower when he arrived, when he went back in time, when he ran away from his mistakes. She’s waiting for Erdwin, just as his companions might be waiting for El to return. Just as she lost two friends, so did his own. 

They’re all standing in front of him in that silent tower, their footsteps loud as the ticking of the clock and the churning of the cogs, their silhouettes illuminated by the orange light shining through the tower’s windows, and the sword of light is heavy on his back as they beg him not to go—

But, there are nine of them. Why are there nine of them?

“Eleven!” several voices call. He’s snapped into reality when Sylvia slaps him across the cheek gently. It’s his companions, but instead of the melancholy orange light of the tower, their forms are illuminated by white all around. Serena’s hair is long again. 

Veronica is standing in front of him, back to her younger self. 

Right, he’s living in the past. His body is, and so is his mind.

“Lost in thought were you, luminary?” the seer, the ninth person, calls from somewhere behind his companions. He was; he really was.

Despite the concerns his companions have for him, El refers them back to the seer. They can worry about him later; in fact, it’d be better if they didn’t worry at all.

After being directed to see the watchers once more, the seer (or Morcant; what’s left of him) disappears to join his true body Mordegon in death.

Though no longer in the subspace of the visions, El finds himself back in a sea of white. A very, very cold sea of white.

“You there!” A voice calls from the direction of the temple. One of the monks approaches them. 

“Is there something you need to discuss with us?” Hendrick asks, ever the stuck up of the party. 

“Yes, that young man over there.” For a minute he assumes they’re talking about Erik, because he’s standing right beside El, but then he realizes that there is absolutely no way they are referring to the thief. The monk is looking directly at him. “Are you Eleven, the luminary, crown prince of Dundrasil?”

He nods, mutely, and the monk looks relieved. “This is wonderful news. Please, come quickly; Grand Master Pang has been awaiting your arrival.”

Master Pang. She's alive. 

Rab and Serena lead him into the temple. The monks inform that while they may have a moment to gather their bearings and warm themselves up, they must go and meet the grandmaster as soon as possible. 

They allow them free rooms at the inn; he's thankful for that, at least. It means they, at the very least, have to spend the night. He isn't ready to see the watchers again, as cute and hospitable as they may be. 

As they warm up under the temple-provided blankets, Erik drifts closer to his side. 

“You okay?” he asks. El nods, tugging the blankets tighter around himself. 

_“I’m feeling warmer already,”_ he confirms. The look on Erik’s face suggests that that wasn’t the answer he was looking for, though. 

“I mean… yeah, that's good, too, but I was talking about earlier in that weird white place with the seer,” the thief clarifies, “you were spacing out a bit back there.”

And how like Erik, to worry about his wellbeing.

 _"I was just surprised,"_ he lies, _"about Erdwin."_

"Yeah, that's understandable." Erik nods, and though it may just be El's imagination, he thinks the thief shifts closer yet. "I'm glad you're okay, then."

He’s glad they’re okay too. Erik, and everyone. Maybe El will be okay, too. 

* * *

The Wheel of Harma is exceptionally hard, and by the time they arrive at the watcher’s island the next day they’re exhausted. 

It’s good to see Master Pang in good spirits, at least. 

In fact, El himself is in good spirits upon arrival to meet the watchers. He feels… better. Lighter than before. It could be fighting beside his companions in battles that aren’t going to kill them. Collapsing on top of each other after Master Pang’s harsh training, and Veronica fighting at his side again.

But then Eegoltap gives them the time cog, the key to the tower of time, and El has to resist the urge to try using the quadraslash on it. 

Sitting at the luminary’s landing in the middle of the night, his coat abandoned in the inn and his hair being blown by the wind, El holds the cog in his hands and contemplates breaking it. 

If he breaks the damn thing, it’ll be done. He can pretend to know nothing about it, and be stuck in this time, with no way to redo his mistakes if he makes another one, or go back in time again and reunite with his original time—

No, he isn’t going to break it. He should just keep it, in case he fucks up again. He doesn’t mind risking being lost to all time.

“Did you really think I wouldn’t notice you were gone?”

El turns around in surprise to face Veronica, and though he makes an attempt to hide the cog from her view, she still catches it. 

“Really now, even like this, you’re still an idiot.” Veronica heaves a sigh, and sits herself down beside him. 

_"Like this?" El asks._

"Yes, like this." Veronica turns away from admiring her dress to look directly at him. "Like a different person. I've been thinking… are you really Eleven?" 

Taken aback, a confused sound makes its way out of his agape mouth. Why would she think that? 

No, wait, she has every right to ask. In fact, she is right to ask. El isn't even the Eleven they're supposed to be with at this time. 

"You look like a fish, with your mouth all open like that." Veronica says this humorously, though he can still pick out the seriousness behind her voice. He refrains from telling her that he has, in fact, been a fish before. 

"You see, Serena and I were thinking that you don't really seem like yourself. Even your beloved idiot thinks so," the sorceress says. _Beloved idiot?_ Oh— she must mean Erik. At least, El thinks she's referring to the thief. 

"And after seeing how the seer could change his appearance…" Veronica doesn't finish her sentence, but El can more or less understand her train of thought. 

_"You're thinking I'm not really me?"_

"Well, I still think you act like yourself," she clarifies, "just way more different than how I remember." 

Of course El is different. He can't even remember how he used to act before the fall. Not exactly, anyway. He was probably an idiot most of the time (he still is.) 

_"I'm still me."_

"You definitely look the same," Veronica says, "though you look… different. You've got the baby face down, at least." El thinks he should be a little insulted, but he really can't find it in himself to get mad at the sorceress. 

"I'm saying I'm not a hundred percent convinced that you're really Eleven, and until you give me some kind of proof that you are—" 

_"I can't."_

Veronica stops abruptly, staring at him with wide eyes. 

_“I don’t have proof,”_ he continues, _“and I can’t… tell you that I’m the real me.”_

The sorceress, still shocked, leans closer to him. Then, her expression turns blank, and to his ultimate surprise, she hits him hard on the head. El squeaks a surprised, pained sound. 

“That’s not what you’re supposed to say, idiot!” Veronica explains. “You’re usually supposed to say that you’re real!”

El curls into himself a little. _“But—”_

Veronica puts her smaller hands over his to stop him from saying anything else. “What's your favorite food? Hm?" 

After a moment's hesitation he replies. _"...Stew."_

"So you're the real El! That's all you had to do. Was that so hard?" Veronica looks him down, as if she weren't several feet shorter than him, even with both of them sitting down. 

Veronica stands, just a little taller than him now, and she gives him a serious look. 

"You're real… but not the Eleven I'm used to," she admits, "and all the others think the same. I don't know what happened to you, but you better believe we'll find out eventually." 

He doesn't want them to. Or maybe he does. He promised Erik to tell him, eventually, but will he really be able to keep that promise? 

He doesn't know. He doesn't know _anything._

"Well, I'm heading to bed," Veronica announces, like a needle to his balloon of thought, "and you better come back soon, or else you want to fall asleep out here in the cold." 

El watches her as she disappears in the direction of the inn. It's scary, seeing her back, when the last time he saw her back she was on her knees and crying, simply one of Jasper's illusions. 

He knows firsthand what the loss of a loved one can make you feel— make you do. He doesn’t want to burden his friends with his loss again, or worse, allow them to experience what Serenica has; what _El_ has. 

So, no, he isn’t going to allow himself to use the time cog a second time, because he isn’t going to let anyone die this time. 

El pockets the cog and leaves it secured in his bag. Four out of his seven companions are awake yet, namely Veronica (unsurprisingly,) Erik (also unsurprising,) Serena, and Sylvia. Also unsurprising is Hendricks not-so-elegant snoring. 

The four of them give El several different looks, all suspicious of his behavior, and while it isn’t forgotten even as they sit down and chat through the night, it is mostly ignored. 

El tucks himself under the covers and lights up a dim lantern before setting down pen and paper. 

> To Gemma;
> 
> I know if I had told you, you’d tell me that it’s something I have to do as the luminary. You always say that, don’t you? Is that really what you think? Are you angry at me for not telling you, did you want me to stay? I guess I’ll never know. Then again, I never did know what you were thinking. We used to tell each other everything, but I didn’t tell you I was leaving this time. You called me predictable a lot as a kid. Did you predict that I would leave? I hope that doesn’t mean you hate me.
> 
> Your gift really did keep me safe like you said it would. I hope the reconstruction of Cobblestone is going well. 
> 
> I’m sorry that we won’t be able to share any more birthdays together. 
> 
> -your best friend, El

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter is going to take a while again. i have orders to rest my wrist for two weeks, but ill still try my best to get it out before the end of march


	6. Dread

> To Grandad (Chalky)
> 
> I know you weren’t around to see me leave, and I’m sorry I didn’t visit you one last time. I met a lot of wonderful people on my journey, but I didn't tell you about them the way you told me about your own like I promised. Isn't it a little uncool how I can’t even bring myself to face your headstone? You always said courage made a good man. 
> 
> I wonder if I still have the right to ask this, but I hope you’ll watch over Cobblestone from your spot on Yggdrasil, or wherever you are, in my place. Is that too much to ask? Even now, I’m still a little spoiled by you.
> 
> -your grandson, El

* * *

El wakes groggily to a call of his name. 

“Eleven.”

No, it’s probably just his imagination. Actually, it’s probably real, but maybe he can sleep through it a little more… no, his friends could be in danger and he’s lazing around—

“Eleven,” is called again, and at this point he’s too worried to be asleep. He shoots up in bed, looking around hastily, only to be tapped on the shoulder by Sylvia. Right, okay, she has a tendency to do that. 

“Rise and shine!” she announces. El slumps back into the covers. He doesn’t want to get up. 

He doesn’t want to go back to that tower. 

“Come on, get out of bed— the watchers prepared breakfast and everything! Though, it’s already noon.” Though Sylvia seems determined to get him out of bed, she doesn’t force him out of bed. She keeps a hand on his shoulder and lightly taps him awake, as always. 

He doesn’t want to get up. He doesn’t want to meet Serenica. He doesn’t want to save the world, even just for a day. He just can’t, not right now, or anytime soon, he thinks.

El shakes his head, and he pulls the covers back up again. Calasmos can sit in its star for all he cares. 

Sylvia lets out a sigh. She seems disappointed. Anyone would be disappointed— they’re supposed to be saving the world, and the luminary himself won’t even get out of bed. 

El thinks he hears the performer leave the inn, and he tugs the blanket around himself. Just a little more time, and surely he’ll get up by himself. It isn’t like he has a choice. He never really does. 

They’re probably talking about him. He’s being unreasonable. He should get out of bed already. 

But getting out of bed means going to the tower, and that’s the last thing El wants to do. 

“El?” Jade calls from nearby, “Sylvia says you’re awake.”

“Hn,” he groans. 

“You’ve missed breakfast already, but make sure you come out for lunch. It’ll be ready soon,” she announces. El hums in response again. Maybe he will, maybe he won’t.

He probably won’t.

Jade leaves the inn to join the others again, and it isn’t even a minute before he starts feeling left out.

Then again, El’s the luminary. He never fit in to begin with. 

He finally gets out of bed, and a quick look around shows him that he’s the last one awake, as usual. They probably have all of their belongings with them, too. 

After getting dressed and packing his things, El heads out of the inn like he’s been told to do twice already. 

The day has just started, and El already feels like collapsing. 

But he can’t stay in bed all day, anymore. He has more urgent things to do than find out where his grandad’s ladder is, or search for the rainbough. 

He wouldn’t wish being the luminary on anybody.

* * *

On Cetacea’s back on their way to the Tower of Time, Hendrik holds his shoulder.

“El,” the knight says, albeit awkwardly, “this tower that we are headed to… have you been here before?”

For just a second he contemplates saying yes, but then figures he should say no. The time he spends thinking about this is answer enough, however. 

“You have?” Hendrik concludes, though he sounds unsure. El shakes his head. Of course he doesn’t want anyone to know about the tower. 

“You haven’t? I see… so this will be a first for all of us.” Hendrik’s hand slides off his shoulder, and El fights the urge to sigh in relief. It really isn’t the ‘first’ for any of them.

Except for Veronica, though he had hoped she’d never find herself in that tower, either. 

“You okay?” Speak of the devil, and they shall appear. Though, he supposes Veronica is more of an angel than a devil. This is what her clothes suggest, too. Seeing her alive and talking is helping a little, at least. 

El nods, and Veronica stares at him wordlessly. She’s done that a lot recently. So does Serena, and Erik, and all of his companions. He hasn’t been the same person since the fall, and in this world, the fall never happened. 

He’s glad, at least, they don’t have to experience it.

Arriving at the Tower of Time is always jarring; the ancient building is seemingly always surrounded by tockles, and as always, he’s the only one who can see them. He doesn’t want to go insane. He wonders if the tockles will carry him away, back to their quaint little town Tickington. 

Eleven is scared. He doesn’t want to go inside, he doesn’t want to use the time cog, and he doesn’t want to see the time sphere. Even from outside, he feels like he can hear the ticking of the clock and the movement of the gears. The noisy footsteps that he and his companions had taken in stride, thinking that saving Veronica was going to be easy, thinking that they’d all be complete again, but he just left his friends with another loss—

Ah, he’s getting a headache. 

“Laddie,” Rab calls. He’s standing in plain sight, and El wishes that he didn’t see the look of a grieving old man mourning the loss of something akin to a granddaughter, the little girl in red. “If yer feeling under the weather we can settle down for the time being. Yer looking a wee bit unsteady.”

No, he isn’t. They can climb that tower. He isn’t going to be a damn coward. 

“Though, I do think it’s best we rest a while before climbing that monstrosity,” Rab continues, “that tower certainly looks like a knee-breaker.”

The old man lets out a laugh, and El wishes he could tell Rab that stairs won’t be a problem of theirs. He isn’t supposed to know that, though.

The rest of his companions seem to be in agreement about resting, so, apparently, they aren’t going to climb the damn tower yet. 

He’s ashamed to say he’s relieved. 

Seated on a makeshift chair and staring at the sword of light in his hands, El looks up only to see who has approached him. It’s Serena. 

“Hello! May I sit here?” she asks, always gentle. She must know she has no reason to ask, and yet she does. El nods, and he gives her a smile. 

She takes her seat beside him and, uninvited, her twin follows. Veronica takes her seat beside Serena, and though she didn’t ask for permission, his answer would always be yes, with or without. Veronica can sit anywhere she wants, so long as it isn’t under _that_ great oak tree. 

“Are you feeling alright?” Serena asks. El nods, and he flashes her a reassuring smile. He really doesn’t want anyone to ask him about what’s on his mind. 

“If you want, I can try to relieve your headache… though, it might not be so effective, since magic only works on things that have injuries to be healed…” she offers, and El shakes his head again.

 _“Don’t worry about me, I’m fine.”_ Not that he’s ever convinced anyone with that lie. At the very least, he’s still retained the ‘real’ Eleven’s inability to lie convincingly. 

Caring as ever, Jade comes in to give him water. Iced, thanks to Rab’s magic. He’s grateful, but more concerned that they would use up energy for something as trivial as this. He supposes if he weren’t so traumatized by the fall, though, he would do the same.

Serena’s harp does wonders to relieve his headache despite her insecurities, and El finds himself smiling. How many times has Serena saved them with this song? It’s nostalgic, and carries memories good and bad. It almost helps him ignore the menacing tower in front of him.

That night, under the light of the stars, Erik makes his way to his side. It’s not uncommon, and oftentimes El tried to sit as close to the thief as possible, too, even before anything became of their feelings.

Neither of them say anything just. If Erik had something he wanted to talk about, he doesn’t say anything for a while. 

“You know,” the thief starts, looking a little confused as he stares up at the Tower of Time, “I feel like I’ve been here before.”

El doesn’t tell him anything of the past. In this world, right now, none of his companions have been here before. They shouldn’t remember being here before. 

_“Maybe you saw something similar in Sniflheim before?”_ he suggests. It isn’t like Erik has told him each and every one of his adventures from his thieving days. For all he knows, there’s another tower that looks exactly the same as the one in front of them. He decides to use this to his advantage. 

And then he realizes it was a horrible, horrible mistake. 

Erik turns to him with wide eyes, his frame tense and eyebrows drawn together. “How did you know that?”

Another mistake, as always. He seems to be a natural at making mistakes. “Know what?” 

“That I’ve been to Sniflheim before.” _Before;_ Erik said ‘before,’ not ‘when I was a kid.’ That should be easy enough to lie about. 

“We went there while looking for the orbs,” El reminds, “remember? I think the Royal Library looks a little like this…”

Erik narrows his eyes. Clearly suspicious, but it isn’t like anything El has said has been wrong. “Right, sorry. I forgot about that.”

Another accident avoided that is surely going to compile into one big problem later on. Hurray. 

Erik seemingly forgets about that troublesome conversation as the night goes on, but it doesn’t give El any bit of relief. It’s been a horrible, horrible day. 

Not for the first time, El contemplates telling Erik the truth. His companions all deserve to know the truth, but they don’t need to know all the gruesome details. 

He turns in early that night, and though it’s questionable, seeing as how he woke up at noon earlier that day, they don’t question him. They’re far too kind for that.

He turns in, yes, but he doesn’t sleep. How can he, when they’re so close to _the_ tower?

El leaves the tent as quietly as he can, and once he’s outside he’s greeted by the tockles. They look a little worried. Aren’t they the keepers of time? Do they know that El is from a different past? Well, it isn’t like his companions can see them, and he doubts they’ll tell his friends, even if they could be seen.

In the shade of another tree, illuminated only by the tockles and the small candle he lights, El takes out his writing materials again. He doesn’t think he’ll ever be at ease so close to the Tower of Time. 

He feels it’s only right to address the later today to his companions. 

El finds his hand shaking as he writes the first word. Actually, he doesn’t think he can even write a letter today. He can’t even write the second half of Veronica’s name.

The pencil falls from his hands and rolls across the ground. It phases through a passing tockle, but it comes to a stop when it hits something solid that _shouldn’t be there._

“A diary?” El looks up from his notebook with great hesitance, meeting a white dress and blonde hair. “I didn’t think you were the type.”

Veronica leans down with a smirk to see what’s written, and though El makes a move to lift it out of her reach, she snatches it from his hands with the same speed Erk uses to dispatch enemies.

El snatches it back as soon as he composes himself, but it’s too late, Veronica has seen the failed attempt at writing her name.

“You have something to say to me?” Veronica asks, half serious. El shoves the notebook back into his bag and runs his hand through his hair. _Yes,_ he has things to say. He’s said them before, at her grave underneath that large oak tree. _No,_ how is he supposed to tell her that she’s been dead?

“I don’t understand why you’d need to write it in a notebook, if I’m right here. It can’t be a love letter, can it? You like that blue-haired idiot. I’m not one to judge.” He can feel Veronica’s gaze on him, and he doesn’t even have to look through his fingers to do so. He still does, however, and it’s almost like a parallel of Jasper’s illusion. He wonders if he’ll disappear after his duty is completed, just like that horrible illusion of Veronica. “It isn’t like lying is something you’ve ever been good at, and it isn’t doing you any good keeping quiet. Come out and tell me what it is already?”

El shakes his head. She won’t understand— how is he supposed to make someone understand that they’ve been dead for over a few months? How is he supposed to make her understand that he’s not the same friend she met back in Hotto anymore?

He brings his other hand up to his face when he feels the tears building. He promised himself he wouldn’t cry, after Veronica’s death. That he wouldn’t cry until they saved the world, and he hasn’t saved the world yet, not this one; he shouldn’t be crying.

But he is, and he looks pathetic, and the tears are falling into his hands and smudging on his face.

“Why are you crying?” Veronica asks. The question is harsh, and it’s one El still doesn’t have an answer to yet, but it's said gently as she takes her seat beside him under the tree. He doesn’t like that she’s sitting here under the tree with him. How ironic that El would sit with her under a tree; the two of them, companions that his other six friends have to live without in their time. 

“Sheesh, I didn’t think you were such a crybaby,” Veronica says, “you’re almost as bad as Serena.”

Despite her words, Veronica places a hand on his back and draws comforting circles. 

Maybe, here and now, with the person he tried to save, he can be himself. Maybe he’ll be just the slightest step closer to redeeming himself. 

El wipes his face with his sleeve, and he’s sure he still looks like a wreck. For one, he still hasn’t gotten his breathing even, but it’s… a start. Veronica pulls out a cloth from her pocket and melts some ice to make it wet.

“Wipe your face, you look gross,” she reprimands. Silently, El takes the cloth handed and wipes away the remnants of his tears. 

Veronica doesn’t pressure him to say anything about the notebook. He feels like he needs to though, since she had to see something so unsightly. 

El takes a deep breath and squeezes the cloth in his hands. Water drips from the still-wet cloth and drips onto his lazily laced boots, but he finds it to be the least of his problems.

“Are you feeling better now?” the sorceress asks. El answers her with a simple nod. 

_“I don’t know what happened to the me of this time,”_ El starts, trying his hardest to keep eye contact with Veronica, _“but I’m not him.”_

For a minute he worries that she can’t see his hands in the dark, but then Veronica nods, serious compared to her jokes about his love letter from earlier. “Yeah, I had a feeling as soon as they mentioned time traveling. Serena thinks so, too. So, who are you?”

El is admittedly surprised. He knew they thought he was suspicious, but he didn’t think they’d put it together already. 

_“I’m Eleven.”_ If he begins to look on the verge of tears again, Veronica doesn’t comment. _“From a future where Yggdrasil fell.”_

Veronica’s eyes go wide. “Yggdrasil… fell?” El nods solemnly, and though he doesn’t pull his shirt up for proof, he gestures to the area where his scar should be. 

_“I have proof here.”_

“So you left that world to stop Yggdrasil from falling?” Veronica concludes. She raises an eyebrow when El hesitates to answer. 

_“I went back in time,”_ El signs slowly, _“to save_ you. _”_

“ _Me?_ ” Veronica asks incredulously. “Why would you need to save me?”

El takes in a deep break, and he shoves his face into the now-damp towel. Even though he prepares for the onslaught of tears, they don’t come. 

Veronica lets out a sigh, and El fears that she’s getting tired of him. When he looks up, Veronica has her hands on her hips and a frown on her face. “Sorry for trying to make you explain everything to me right now. You’re tired, aren’t you? Just tell me when you’re ready.

When he’s ready. That works. He doesn’t really think he’ll ever really be ready, but it’s fine. 

Veronica returns to the tent on her own after El insists that he’s going to stay out a little bit longer. With worry clear in his posture, she walks back to the tent, and he watches her retreating figure until she disappears behind cloth walls.

Veronica knows now. Whether he regrets this or not, he doesn’t know, but at the very least it’s something to dwell on later.

El stands to retrieve the pencil that rolled away, and finds a tockle staring at the thin charcoal piece. They make an attempt to pick it up and hand it back to him, but it phases through their body. At least they tried, and so he thanks them silently. 

An unfinished writing of Veronica’s name still sits on his page. Her letter… he still hasn’t decided if he’s going to tell her in person or through paper, and so he smudges her name with his thumb. It leaves black marks all across the page, but he doesn’t care. It still isn’t completely erased though, so he crosses it out as well. 

> To Grandad (Rab)
> 
> You always wanted me to call you that, right? I’m sorry I didn’t do it even once before leaving. I’m really sorry. 
> 
> I’m here in the past now. It means I’ll have to go back to Zwaardsrust to save mother and father again, but I promise I won’t fail. I have more of our companions with me than when we fought the gloomivore the first time, and I have my luminary powers back now, so we should be fine. 
> 
> I’m sorry for taking the last of your family away from you. I hope you're faring well, whether you’re restoring Dundrasil or living in the castle with Jade and King Carnelian. 
> 
> -your grandson, El

Reading it over one last time, El finally pockets the notebook and pen. A look around shows that the tockles are still active in the night, and many of them are walking along the walls of the Tower of Time and illuminating its surfaces. 

It’s probably his last change to ignore the tower’s presence before they have to climb it, and so El shakes his head and heads back into the tent. Veronica is clearly awake beside her sleeping twin, but she doesn’t say anything as he enters the tent, save a relieved glance. 

The two of them fall asleep without even a goodnight, and even if their words wouldn’t disturb their slumbering companions, he finds himself unable to say them to Veronica, less he find her ‘sleeping’ underneath a tree again. 

He can’t rest until the word is saved. To do that, he has to face the tower again. He’ll do it, if it means saving his companions a second time of pain.

El falls asleep staring at the sword of light propped up against the tent’s cloth walls, wondering if its blade will hit the time sphere’s surface in the near future. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my wrist hasnt gotten any better at all over the past two weeks, but i still try my best to write this. usually i replay the game itself to recall the events, but im trying to refrain from drawing or playing games. ive resorted to watching videos instead. the next chapter might take a while, since i just finished this one a few minutes ago


	7. Restoring

Fear. This is the emotion El feels when the doors to the Tower of Time open, and the eight of them step inside. 

_It’s fine_ , he tried to remind himself, _there’s eight of them_ , and that means Veronica is with them. She’s alive, she’s fine, and he isn’t going to abandon this world. He can’t; not before explaining to Veronica everything that’s happened in the past. 

Whether his companions find it weird that he knows where he’s going, they don’t comment. Well, Erik and Veronica don’t, but everyone else does. He has a feeling that Veronica has already put some things together already. 

He hates being in here, in this tower, and hearing the familiar sounds of clocks and cogs and echoing footsteps. He wants to leave.

Veronica approaches him on the lat cog before they reach the top, and she nudges his barely trembling legs. 

“This is where you last were, right?” she asks, though El has a feeling she’s already sure. “Before you came here.”

El nods mutely, and Veronica doesn’t say anything else. 

At the top, the Timekeeper stands in front of them, with the time sphere right behind them. Just like the past, its glowing yellowish light reflects against the surrounding time capsules. 

The twins step forward to address their ancestor, and whatever song it is that the three of them recite, and later play with their respective instruments, El doesn’t know, but it feels melancholic. Nostalgic, even. 

Cetacea makes a loud call, and suddenly they’re transported out of the Tower of Time and onto the flying whale’s now armored back. 

Something awaits them underneath Zwaardsrust, according to Cetacea; the trials of Drustan, which will prepare them for their fight with Calasmos. Great, El thinks this is perfectly fine. More trials, as if the Wheel of Harma wasn’t enough. 

So, that marks their next stop; Zwaardsrust, where they’ll meet Drustan. 

He supposes that on the way, they can make a stop at Dundrasil. He can save his parents, and make sure that they’re happily together again. It’s the least he can do. 

“You sure do think a lot more than you used to,” Veronica comments, “is that a side effect, or did Jade finally drill it into your brain that it needs to be used?”

She didn’t drill it into his head. Mordegon did; showed him he was overconfident, that his stupidity caused him to lose one of his most precious companions. Lost the companions he made after the fall. 

Veronica seems to sense the mood, and she dims a bit. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to make you remember anything bad.”

_“It’s fine.”_ It isn’t like she would ever do anything that would hurt them intentionally. She never would. 

“Eleven,” Hendrik calls. He perks up at the call of his name and turns to regard the knight. “I do not wish to delay meeting Drustan, but perhaps we should go and report to the king, for now. He would want to know what has happened.”

Right, that’s a good idea. He probably should’ve thought of that sooner. 

They shouldn’t dwell in Heliodor for too long, though; there are things that need to be done. Surely, Carnelian will understand. He’ll want to see his daughter, but there will be time for that after they defeat Calasmos. 

Hopefully. 

No, he needs to stop thinking like that. He isn’t going to let anyone fall. Not this time. That’s what seeing Drustan is supposed to help them do. 

He’ll save them; he promised his friends from the past that he would take them along again, and save Veronica. 

He isn’t going to break that promise. 

* * *

The fiasco involving the ghost of Heilodor castle catches his attention. Or more rather, Hendrik’s attention. 

On the balcony of the castle, he worries once again for Hendrik’s life. This is a problem he knows is personal to the knight; in this world, he never settled his differences with Jasper. Even so, taking down Jasper had been a team effort, and if this ghost is just as strong as the real knight, then Hendrik doesn’t stand a chance.

How wrong he was. 

Jasper’s ghost falls, and it’s just like the first time he saw it happen; melancholy, and full of bitter childhood memories between the two. 

At least this time, Jasper was able to redeem himself. They were able to settle things properly, this time. 

Hendrik’s armor is grander than usual; truly fitting of Heliodor’s greatest knight.

He’s glad that they were able to resolve their differences. He’s glad Jasper is able to rest in peace now, as someone who was manipulated by Mordegon. 

Later that day, Carnelian calls over Jade for a long-awaited father to daughter talk. None of them are there to hear that; it’s personal, and none of them are rude enough to eavesdrop on that.

Jade walks out looking happier than she has in a while, with an elegant crown in her hands. Her mother’s crown. 

If Jade and Hendrik are able to resolve the problems they had, just as they did in El’s time after the fall, then hopefully, surely, the rest of his companions can, too. 

“Well, aren’t you looking chipper?” Sylvia comments, skipping past him as they make their way to their rooms at the castle for the night. “Happy for Jade and our little Hendy, are we?”

El nods, and he can’t help the smile he gives her. He’s glad. He’s glad that his friends won’t have to lose the most important parts that they gained before. 

In the guest room, El pulls out his notebook and charcoal pencil and spreads them out on the table. 

> To Hendrik
> 
> You really haven’t changed much, you know that? In this time, you promised to be my unwavering shield again. I’m glad that you’re still the same. 
> 
> Earlier today, you were able to settle your differences with Jasper again. I know you didn’t get to do it properly last time, what with spectral sentinels, but I’m really glad you were able to talk this time around. 
> 
> I won’t ask if you’re still there, or if you’re living in a world without me anymore. It matters, it still does, but knowing you and the others, I don’t think you’d ever get mad at me for everything I’ve done. I understand that now. Maybe I’ve been a lot dumber than I thought.
> 
> I hope you’re doing well, and I hope the reconstruction of Heliodor is going smoothly.
> 
> -your companion, El

El closes the notebook and heads back to bed. He feels lighter than usual. That’s a good thing, isn’t it? He wonders if his companions in the other time can tell.

He falls asleep peacefully that night, easier than he has in months.

* * *

> To Serena
> 
> I took you with me again, just like I promised. Veronica is safe now, too. 
> 
> We defeated Mordegon, and you thanked me for taking you along again. It’s so like you. It made me wonder if our original time still exists, or if this is you, and you can regain your memories. Probably not, but it’s a nice thought. 
> 
> I’m not going to cry anymore. I almost forgot about it, but we promised we’d stay strong because Veronica wouldn’t want us to be sad, remember? I think I already broke that promise, but I’m going to be strong, now. 
> 
> I hope you’re safe and happy where you are. Try not to tire yourself looking out for others.
> 
> -your friend, El

* * *

El wakes up, and after laying in bed for the next five minutes, he remembers he dreamt about looking up at the stars after the fall.

Getting up is easier than it’s been for a while, and laving up his boots almost makes him feel happy. 

As always, the others are waiting for him in the dining hall, and it seems Carnelian has also joined them for breakfast. 

“Your family has returned to Cobblestone,” Carnelian explains, “the mayor tells me they’re going to start the reconstruction.”

He has a feeling Gemma was the one who motivated them to get started. She’s always been upbeat like that, and her father loves to dote on her.

“Why don’t we pay them a visit?” Serena suggests. “I think it would be nice to see if there’s something we can help them with while we’re away.”

It’s a good idea, and it solidifies their next stop; Cobblestone, to see his family.

Cobblestone is in the middle of reconstruction, just like the king had said, but it still looks just barely better than before.

“El!” Gemma exclaims as he approaches. Sandy rushes to him to tackle his legs. How she’s still so energetic, he doesn’t know. “Welcome back! We’re rebuilding Cobblestone.”

_“I can see that. If there’s anything I can help with, just tell me,”_ El explains. Gemma nods along. If they’re already travelling, they might as well pick up a few things. Now that his zoom spell works, travelling to and from places will be much easier.

“Actually there are a few things…” Gemme thinks.

Apparently, she needs someone who can help with the heavy lifting and the protection, as well as some kind of merchant who can help with restocking and such. Why she needs a mascot, El doesn’t understand, but he isn’t going to question that.

_“Sure, I’ll see what I can do.”_

* * *

Walking around Cobblestone, though still destroyed, brings him some sort of peace.

The last time he had visited his home, it had been turned into the Last Bastion. He doesn’t fault Hendrik and Carnelian for doing it, since it was to protect the people after the fall, but he still prefers the rundown, destroyed town to that military base. 

“You said you went through a comic of age ritual on a cliff near here, right?” Erik asks. “Where is it?”

El points in the direction farther south. _“It’s probably best not to go there, since there might be monsters. They’ve been stronger lately.”_

“Yeah, probably,” the thief says. “Still, it’s nice to see your hometown with all of its people.”

Yeah, it is. It really is. 

“You know,” Erik says with a smile, and when he turns to El he can’t help but openly admire the expression, “you look a lot happier lately. Did something happen at the castle?”

Is it really that obvious? Well, it isn’t like his companions are that dense. El isn’t good at schooling his emotions, either. _“You think?”_

“Yeah.” Erik nods, and he nudges El in the side. “It’s cool, that you’re happy. I’m glad.”

He’s glad. So is Eleven.

Not for the first time, El wonders if he and Erik will ever have the same kind of closeness as after the fall. He wonders if Erik will tell him about Mia on his own, without the pressure of Mordegon. 

He hopes so. 

* * *

He feels like he’s ready. He really feels that he can do this.

El takes in a deep breath, and approaches Veronica. 

“Hey,” she greets, “what’s up?”

_“Can I talk to you?”_

Veronica’s expression immediately turns serious. She probably already knows what he means to say, what he wants to talk to her about.

“Sure, what is it?”

El looks around. For now, maybe telling Veronica alone should be best.

He leads Veronica to the south of the village, to the little cave that they used for keeping emergency food during storms. She seems intrigued as she steps off the ladder and follows him to the upper opening of the cave. 

“You can see the whole village from here,” Veronica muses. She takes her seat and swings her legs over the cliff, and El follows her to do the same.

They sit in silence for a while, watching as the people of the village run around in an attempt to clear debris. 

“So?” Veronica prompts. “Are you gonna tell me?”

El nods, and he turns to the sorceress. He takes a deep breath, and keeps his signs slow and easy to understand. He leaves out the parts about any of the other companions, and adds only the necessary details about Veronica’s death and Mordegon’s defeat. 

By the end of his explanation, Veronica looks shocked, though lost in thought.

“That explains you being off, lately.” The sorceress nods, and she turns to him again. “As much as I hate to admit it, it does sound like something I’d do. I don’t think you’d be able to come up with such an elaborate lie with that brain of yours.”

He isn’t insulted. Just a little embarrassed. She’s right, anyway. 

“I think, if I had the chance,” Veronica says, “I would have stopped you from coming back just for me.”

El stares out into the village. All his other companions tried to stop him from going alone, too. 

“But, now that you’re here…” Veronica says, “thanks anyway.”

Thanks. Does he really deserve such words? Perhaps he’ll be able to accept them properly, once he helps his companions find themselves again.

“Thanks for telling me.” Veronica stands and places her hands on her hips. She gives him a confident smile. “Even though I don’t think you would have told me if I didn’t walk in on your writing in your little diary.”

El stands to follow her out of the cave. _“Thank you, too.”_

It’s not everything, but it's a start. Veronica knows now, and after that, he feels lighter than before. A weight has been lifted off his chest. Probably from the days he spent remembering the fall, alone.

He doesn’t think he’ll be able to face everything just yet, like his grandad, but in time, maybe he will. Maybe he’ll be able to show his face at Chalky’s grave with an adventure to tell him about.

Maybe, just maybe, he’s going to be okay. 

* * *

> To Mia
> 
> I hope you’re healthy now, and I hope you and Erik are getting along after everything that’s happened. I wasn’t able to talk to you properly. I’m sorry I didn’t stay long enough for that, and for leaving your brother behind. I hope you’ll take care of him for me. I promise I won’t leave him, this time. I won’t let any evil lords near you, either. I hope I’ll get to know you better, this time. 
> 
> -Erik’s partner, Eleven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was nice to write :) unlike el, my wrist is not. however, chapter 8 is already being written, so ill try to get it out within the next three days. thanks
> 
> tumblr is @overweeningpride or @catboyyouko

**Author's Note:**

> i actually wanted to make this a really long oneshot, but i think ill feel more inclined to write if i post the chapters one by one. i dont like leaving things undone once its out there, so ill definitely finish this!!!! but i wont have a set updating schedule to look forward to. ill try not to let too long a time pass before the next update though.
> 
> tumblr: @overweeningpride


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